(Not) Dealing With Bipolar

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Szazomy's avatar
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Okay, I've tried writing this entry about five times over now and just don't know how to say what I want. I don't know how to talk about it, even if I want to. And I don't know why anyone would want to talk about it, so I'm doing it in the form of a semi-public rant I guess.

Put simply, I feel like an absolute waste of space, and I have done for a while. I don't know how to talk about it, or who to talk to that even cares, or if I'm even worth talking about. I feel like the rest of the world is moving along steadily around me, and I'm just sat here being all useless and pathetic. Nothing ever seems to change. I end up jealous of what other people have, and lack the motivation, skill or popularity to gain such things myself. I see everyone around me, and they're all wonderfully attractive whilst I just see me as a miserable waste of space that's not worth a second glance. I've tried to make such big changes these past few months - I've tried my best to do something with my life. But I feel like a disappointment to my family, and a spare-part or a hindrance to my friends. I feel more and more by the day that they would be better off without me.

It's not a self-pitying train I'm on. It's just how I see everything. Months will go by where things will be fine, but the slightest thing seems to act as a knock-on effect. In recent weeks, I've been growing more and more inclined to the thoughts I described in the previous paragraph. They do more than make you 'a bit unhappy', like a lot of people presume when they give their wisdomous definition of my life. It knocks my confidence hugely, impacts your sleep, your diet and so on. This has most recently hit me harder than usual, and I've begun to feel like I'm nose-diving back to square one. Why do I keep on trying, just to face the same repetitive circles? Everyone is happier than me, more popular than me, and frankly better than me. There's only so many times you can persevere and carry on before it wears you down, and I just don't know what to do any more, I really don't.

So, this was the most depressing thing I've ever written on here probably. Ironically also likely the most journal-esque. It took another few attempts from when I started to even try and get what I mean down in words. Words don't seem to sum up how I feel particularly well right now. All I know is that I don't feel like myself, and I don't feel like who I am is particularly worthwhile for anyone at all.
© 2013 - 2024 Szazomy
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EyeZone10's avatar
Well, first thing to say is, im actually on da, second, its shocking to see you feel like this.. im sorry you had to go through that alone. if you want to talk, il always be here.
And you're not alone with this feeling